Out of reach

My father passed away when I was 13 years old. I closed the chapters of sadness and anger a long time ago, but the other night I had a dream about him, which woke me up and made me think.

In my dream we'd planned to catch up before he went to court to hear the verdict of a trial against him. He was told to wear a very respectable looking suit, but all he had were an old pair of suit pants which he cut into long shorts and a non-matching tweed suit jacket. He looked like a crazed hobo.

But he was gentle and when he talked all I could think was how much I'd missed his voice, how much I'd forgotten what it sounded like. I had only meant to stay with him for an hour, but I felt that I controlled time, so I made one hour more like two or three.

I also felt like the "verdict" to come was in my control, but I didn't know which way I would let it go. Innocent and free to see each other whenever we wanted or guilty and locked away for 22 years. I woke up before I had decided.

Once fully awake, I felt a dull ache in my chest. When we both lived and resided in the same country, he was never really close to me for long enough - I only visited him every second weekend as a kid. Now, even if he were still alive, he would live 1000s of km away from me. Even in my dreams he is just a little out of reach. It's like that relationship was never meant to be.

It made me think. There are some people who, no matter how much you love them, you can't bridge the gap. Maybe we're not supposed to. Instead of living in the past, maybe we should look around for the people that are within reach and love and cherish and be thankful for them.

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