What lurks in the deep

 via burgerdreams

Last night I wrote a pivotal chapter in my novel.

I’ve finally hit my relatively modest goal of 50 000 words since starting in November 2008 (!) The story has swelled and is continuing to grow despite me, though I’m eager to end it – even if it means writing a purely arbitrary finale – so that I can begin the very scary journey of EDITING! (eek!)

Anyway, last night I wrote a pivotal chapter. It was emotional, scary and at times I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I find that writing upsetting scenes come naturally to me. Most of the time I struggle to write even 300 words in one sitting. But when the content is distressing or moving and when I find myself asking the question "can I show this to other people", my writing becomes fluid, I can punch out 1000 words in under an hour and it is mostly coherent.

I have a few scenes in my novel like this. Scenes that I seriously question whether I have the stomach to edit, expand and prepare for a second/third/fourth pair of eyes to read. The scenes are not morbidly grotesque or terribly depressing, but they are dark and confronting. Sometimes they are themes that stem from dark times in my own life - though they are always fictionalised extensions of what I have experienced.

Despite the fact that it is fiction, sometimes the emotion of traumatic scenes, that my characters face, get to me. I've gotten emotional while writing about four or five key scenes while writing this piece. One of which I don't know if I'll ultimately include at all in my second draft. I feel like I can communicate the scene well enough and it defines the behaviour of one of the main characters... but I don't know if I want the content, I don't know if it has a place in the bigger story, I don't know if I can go back to it to improve and manipulate the first raw scribbling.

Have you experienced this? What do you do when your content gets too close to home? What do you do when it gets too far from home and you find yourself a little lost

Ps. If you want to read an extract of my WIP click here (1) and then here (2) let me know what you think!

the secret competition

When I played hockey and netball in high school, I was very vocal, encouraging to my team and scary aggressive to our opposition.

In board games, I oscillate between quietly strategising, flying under the radar to sniper my opponents, to wild shouting, jeering and generally attempting to demoralise anyone against me. Just the other week I was playing a console trivia game with my husband and a couple of our friends. Everyone else just went with the generic character names for their avatar, but I insisted on wasting time selecting every letter of my name in full because "I want to see my name in lights when I win". (After a nail-biting spell at the bottom of the leaderboard (with Mat taunting and laughing at me "...maybe they'll still put your name in lights out of pity?" I came back to win the game! BOOYAH!)

Post school, post my sporting years, outside of all those tangible things like awards and pats on the back all I have now is an undercurrent of secret competition with my friends. Everytime a friend acheives something or grows in some way, it frustrates me and makes me want to acheive more in my own life. My secret competition feels like envy, but it also drives me to be better, it makes me push harder, which are good things. And yet I feel embarrassed to admit it, I feel exposed and a little ashamed.

But why should I be? If it's not turning into a dark, bubbling hatred for my friends. If I'm not eating my heart out every time they come beaming with good news?

Why do we hide the fact that we secretly compare and rate ourselves against the people that we love? No, you can't admit that, because the only question that can follow such an admission is: Well, how DO you rate you against me? (What's worse admitting that they are "winning" or declaring that you're "better" than them?)

Maybe it's got something to do with not wanting to seem unhappy with an area of your life. At times the feeling like you're "losing" can be debilitating - if I think I'm just going to lose I won't want to try anymore - then I can feign sexy, mysterious nonchalance. By the way, why are aloof people so damn sexy and cool? Damn them and their steamy lack of concern... Maybe their just better at pretending they don't care than I am?

Maybe it's got to do with not wanting to come across as too ambitious and aggressive, which apparently is not very attractive behaviour (particularly for a lady). But why isn't it? Guys seem to openly compete with each other in everything - my market research of one (Mat) has revealed that he and his friends all know, who is the strongest, fastest, most disciplined, most fearless and so on. I never have these kind of conversations with girlfriends!

Are you competitive? Do you feel embarrassed about it? Do you hide it? Why is that?

Awkward eyecontact

Dear uncomfortable train commuter,

I'm the person staring at you. It's nothing personal, I travel on this train daily and I stare at people. I can't help myself. I look at what you're wearing, I think about what made you put that outfit and those accessories together. I look at your hair colour, sometimes I try to suss out if you've had work done on you face. Yours looks very natural. Often I make up a story about what your life might be like.

Generally I'm good at sensing when you're about to look up, so that I can quickly look away. But lately, I've lost my touch and have been engaging in a greater amount of "awkward eye contact" or "aec". Basically; that moment of connection when the staree catches the starer in the act of staring. The result is typically a quizzical look and/or outright fear.

The worst is when you catch me and instead of permanently looking away, I continue to dart my eyes over to you again and again, which of course you keep catching, because clearly if there is some strange little woman LOOKING at you, you are going to keep an eye on her because you're suspicious that she either wants a) your babies b) to kill or maime you or c) to steal your wallet/bag/shoes etc. Honestly, I don't want any of those things. I just missed some part of the socialisation process and am forever cursed with the inability to rein in my eyes or imagination.

Sincere apologies.
zz

I blame my mother.

Today I found the number eight in my bag. As in a number that you stick on your house so that when people drive to your house for the first time, they see your number and go, oh that's 8 Whatsit Road, that must be zz's house. No I don't live at number 8 so it's not mine. I found in on the ground when I was exploring an inner city suburb with my husband.

This leads me to the following question: Do I have problems? Is it normal to see things on the ground, and think, oh better pick that up and take it with me. I cannot begin to articulate the justification process behind that.

Another time, I was walking to the train station to go to school and I encountered about 100 digimon trading cards spralled across my path. What do you think I did? I picked every single one up and put them in my bag. I was 17, I did not watch digimon. Is this a sickness?

Oh and while I'm confessing, if you're wondering where all you're pens are, chances are I took them, one at a time. I can't help myself. If there's a big bunch of pens, they don't seem to bother me. But if there's just one pen, flying solo on an empty table/bench/etc, I pick it up surreptitiously and quietly slip it into my bag/pocket/hair.